You ever get one of those dry “Hi” or “Hey” texts and feel your soul deflate a little? Same. Somewhere between caveman grunts and awkward dating app intros, we collectively decided that one-word greetings were enough effort for the day.
But not me. Oh no. I decided to fight back … with chaos. So I started replying with the weirdest, sassiest, and most wonderfully unnecessary responses I could think of.
Was it to confuse people? Yes.
Was it to entertain myself? Absolutely.
Did it occasionally lead to someone texting “???” and never replying again? Even better.
So if you’re tired of being basic, here are 100+ funny replies to “Hello,” “Hi,” or “Hey” that I’ve used, tested, and occasionally regretted.
Enjoy confusing everyone, one greeting at a time.
100+ Funny Replies to “Hello”, “Hi” or “Hey” (with examples)
1. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Sorry, this line is for VIPs only
2. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Password?
3. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You again? I was just starting to heal
4. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Who gave you my coordinates?
5. Greeting: Hi
Reply: I charge per conversation
6. Greeting: Hey
Reply: New phone, who dis?
7. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Please hold while I pretend to care
8. Greeting: Hi
Reply: I’m not emotionally available for greetings today
9. Greeting: Hey
Reply: I was hoping you wouldn’t say that
10. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I’ve been expecting you… Agent 0069
11. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Did you rehearse that?
12. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You startled my inner introvert
13. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Let’s skip to the part where I zone out
14. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Sorry, I only talk to people with snacks
15. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Are we doing small talk or sarcasm today?
16. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Please insert coin to continue
17. Greeting: Hi
Reply: If this turns into a group project, I’m out
18. Greeting: Hey
Reply: I’m currently unavailable due to being too fabulous
19. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I’m emotionally out of office
20. Greeting: Hi
Reply: I’ve already made 3 mistakes today … go ahead and be #4
21. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Are you flirting or buffering?
22. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Say it backwards for a challenge
23. Greeting: Hi
Reply: I respond better to compliments and food
24. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You summoned me?
25. Greeting: Hello
Reply: If this is a pyramid scheme, blink twice
26. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Sorry, I only reply to dramatic entrances
27. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You sound like a group chat notification
28. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Bold of you to start this interaction
29. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Let me just fake some enthusiasm real quick
30. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Is this a social trap?
31. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I only respond to people who bring snacks
32. Greeting: Hi
Reply: And just like that… I’m tired
33. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Did we schedule this greeting?
34. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I thought I blocked you in real life
35. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Consider this my out-of-office reply
36. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You rang? I charge for emotional labor now
37. Greeting: Hello
Reply: You’ve reached the land of introverts, please whisper
38. Greeting: Hi
Reply: My enthusiasm is buffering
39. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You first. I need to emotionally prepare
40. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Sorry, I don’t open conversations on Mondays
41. Greeting: Hi
Reply: This better come with context
42. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You sound suspiciously cheerful. What’s the catch?
43. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Please leave your message after the tone… beep
44. Greeting: Hi
Reply: If this is small talk, I’m out
45. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Wow, that’s the most effort I’ve seen from you all day
46. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Let’s pretend this never happened
47. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Talk fast. I’m running out of interest
48. Greeting: Hey
Reply: If this is about feelings, I wasn’t here
49. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Sorry, I only speak fluent sarcasm
50. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Congratulations. You’ve unlocked conversation mode
51. Greeting: Hey
Reply: I’m 99% sure this is a setup
52. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Not today, socially acceptable interaction
53. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Do I owe you money or something?
54. Greeting: Hey
Reply: I was enjoying the silence. Now look what you did
55. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I’m not emotionally available for greetings right now
56. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Your text has been seen and ignored with love
57. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Are you texting under the influence of boredom?
58. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I knew the peace wouldn’t last
59. Greeting: Hi
Reply: And here I thought today was going well
60. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Let’s skip the greeting and get to the point
61. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I respond better to GIFs than words
62. Greeting: Hi
Reply: I’m only replying out of curiosity and regret
63. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You’ve reached my auto-reply service. Please go away
64. Greeting: Hello
Reply: You first. I need caffeine for this
65. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Are we starting a sitcom or an argument?
66. Greeting: Hey
Reply: If this turns into a group chat, I’m out
67. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Your greeting has been received and ignored
68. Greeting: Hi
Reply: You’re two texts away from being blocked
69. Greeting: Hey
Reply: My social battery is at 2%, proceed at your own risk
70. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Do you come with subtitles?
71. Greeting: Hi
Reply: If this is about feelings, I’m fully booked
72. Greeting: Hey
Reply: I’m only here because I ran out of excuses
73. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Plot twist: I didn’t want to talk to you either
74. Greeting: Hi
Reply: I hope this isn’t leading to a favor
75. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Sorry, I’m currently unavailable due to not caring
76. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I’m charging per word now
77. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Finally! Someone less boring than silence
78. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You say “hey”, I hear “help me with something”
79. Greeting: Hello
Reply: My enthusiasm level just dropped by 30%
80. Greeting: Hi
Reply: That’s it? No dramatic entrance?
81. Greeting: Hey
Reply: You again? My peace was just healing
82. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I wish I could say I was happy to see this
83. Greeting: Hi
Reply: I’d say hi back, but I’m conserving energy
84. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Sorry, I’m on a strict no-chat diet
85. Greeting: Hello
Reply: You text like a plot twist I didn’t ask for
86. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Please hold. Your greeting is very important to us
87. Greeting: Hey
Reply: If this is another “wyd” conversation, I’m out
88. Greeting: Hello
Reply: I only respond to carrier pigeons now
89. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Wow, that’s a bold use of the English language
90. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Be honest. Did autocorrect send that?
91. Greeting: Hello
Reply: You must be lost – this is the sarcasm zone
92. Greeting: Hi
Reply: Emotionally, I’m already done with this conversation
93. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Proceed, mortal
94. Greeting: Hello
Reply: If this is a trap, it’s poorly disguised
95. Greeting: Hi
Reply: I’ll allow it… for now
96. Greeting: Hey
Reply: Whoa, calm down. One syllable at a time
97. Greeting: Hello
Reply: My ghosted inbox says otherwise
98. Greeting: Hi
Reply: You should’ve led with a meme
99. Greeting: Hey
Reply: I already regret opening this
100. Greeting: Hello
Reply: Let me pretend I didn’t see that and try again later
Conclusion
Let’s face it, life’s too short for boring hellos. If someone wants to enter your inbox with minimal effort, the least you can do is meet them with maximum weirdness.
Whether you want to troll a friend, spice up your group chat, or make someone question your sanity in the best way possible, this list has your back.
And if they stop texting after one of these replies? You didn’t lose a conversation. You dodged small talk.
You’re welcome.
