We all have moments where the perfect clapback could turn the tide of a conversation, win an argument, or just drop jaws.
Whether you’re in a playful roast battle or need a savage line to shut down some nonsense, this collection of roasts will equip you with ammunition for every situation.
Remember: roast responsibly. Aim for laughs, not tears.
👨👩👧👦 1. Family Roast Battles (Holiday Edition)
- “You bring the same energy as a dial-up connection — loud and painfully slow.”
- “You were the reason the turkey wasn’t the only dry thing at dinner.”
- “You have two modes: talking nonsense and chewing loudly.”
- “You’re like a group chat notification: nobody asked, and yet here you are.”
- “If awkward silences were a person, it’d be you.”
- “Even the gravy has more consistency than your life choices.”
- “You’re the human version of a burnt casserole.”
- “You’re proof that evolution can go in reverse.”
- “Your contribution to family events is mostly background noise.”
- “You make me wish the mute button worked in real life.”
🧑🏫 2. Classroom / School Roasts
- “You study like it’s optional — and the results show.”
- “If brains were homework, you’d have nothing to turn in.”
- “You bring the same energy to class as a broken pencil — pointless.”
- “You’re not even the class clown, you’re the class disappointment.”
- “Your GPA has more dips than a rollercoaster.”
- “You answer questions with the confidence of someone who’s always wrong.”
- “You really thought the mitochondria was a dance move, didn’t you?”
- “Your notes look like a crime scene.”
- “You’re the reason teachers double-check if they want to keep teaching.”
- “You bring the kind of logic that makes calculators cry.”
💼 3. Workplace Shade
- “You have meetings to avoid doing work. Respect.”
- “You’re like a group project partner — always present, never helpful.”
- “If laziness were a skill, you’d be employee of the year.”
- “You talk a lot for someone who contributes so little.”
- “Your ideas have the impact of a pop-up ad.”
- “You’re the human version of a 4-hour Zoom meeting.”
- “I’ve seen more action in a screensaver.”
- “Your inbox is more active than your brain.”
- “You have all the charisma of an expired spreadsheet.”
- “If we gave awards for doing the bare minimum, you’d somehow still be runner-up.”
🧑🤝🧑 4. Friends Who Deserve to Get Roasted
- “You’re the reason WiFi passwords exist.”
- “Your best quality is that you’re not here all the time.”
- “You’re like a selfie with no filter — hard to look at.”
- “You’re not stupid, you just have bad luck thinking.”
- “If sarcasm was a sport, you’d still be benched.”
- “Your glow-up is still buffering.”
- “You’re like that one sock that disappears in the laundry — no one misses you.”
- “You’re not the main character — you’re not even an extra.”
- “Your jokes land about as well as a paper plane in a hurricane.”
- “You’re the type to trip over a wireless connection.”
💔 5. Exes and Almosts
- “You had potential… and then you opened your mouth.”
- “You’re the reason I believe in red flags.”
- “Even my playlist has better taste than I did dating you.”
- “You’re not even a ‘lesson learned’ — just a bad memory.”
- “I upgraded like software. You’re still running Windows XP.”
- “You were a placeholder, not a partner.”
- “You gave bare minimum and expected maximum loyalty.”
- “You’re proof that sometimes deleting history is a blessing.”
- “My standards didn’t drop — I just made a mistake.”
- “Thanks for showing me what I don’t want ever again.”
📱 6. Online / Social Media Roasts
- “Your profile pic is the only thing holding your personality together.”
- “You post like you get paid per cringe.”
- “You go viral for all the wrong reasons.”
- “Your DMs are emptier than your opinions.”
- “You’re a comment section troll with dial-up logic.”
- “Your filters work harder than you do.”
- “You have main character energy with background character relevance.”
- “Even bots have more original content.”
- “You repost like it’s a personality.”
- “If clout was currency, you’d be bankrupt.”
🧠 7. Intellect Roasts
- “You’re like a software update at 2 AM — unnecessary and disruptive.”
- “If ignorance is bliss, you must be living a dream.”
- “You make simple things seem complicated — it’s almost a talent.”
- “You’re so slow, even your thoughts lag.”
- “You talk like your brain is still loading.”
- “You bring logic to a conversation like a fork to a soup fight.”
- “Your arguments collapse faster than a house of cards in a wind tunnel.”
- “Even your imaginary friends left because you bored them.”
- “Your IQ is the room temperature — in Celsius.”
- “You make Wikipedia look like a dissertation.”
💃 8. Style / Appearance Roasts
- “Your fashion sense is a crime of passion — mostly against mirrors.”
- “You dress like your clothes lost a bet.”
- “You look like your wardrobe was sponsored by ‘I give up.’”
- “You really stepped out like that on purpose?”
- “You got a ‘before’ look and skipped the ‘after.’”
- “Your haircut looks like someone lost a dare.”
- “You dress like a plot twist no one wanted.”
- “You’re giving budget villain with Walmart vibes.”
- “You look like a WiFi signal — strong at first, but unstable.”
- “You’ve mastered the art of matching nothing with everything.”
💢 9. Comebacks for People Who Talk Too Much
- “You talk a lot for someone no one listens to.”
- “Are you done, or should I call for subtitles?”
- “That was a lot of words to say absolutely nothing.”
- “Please keep going — I need a nap.”
- “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
- “Every time you speak, grammar files a restraining order.”
- “You should narrate elevator music — that’s your level.”
- “Do you practice sounding this annoying, or is it natural?”
- “You talk like you get paid per syllable.”
- “You sound like a podcast no one subscribed to.”
😬 10. Just Plain Savage (Use with Caution)
- “You’re the reason roasts exist — thank you for your service.”
- “You were born on the highway — that’s where most accidents happen.”
- “You’re like a cloud — when you disappear, it’s a better day.”
- “You’re not even a hot mess — just a mess.”
- “You bring chaos like it’s a personality trait.”
- “You’re not stupid — just aggressively underachieving.”
- “If life was fair, you’d have stayed silent.”
- “You were the test run before better things came.”
- “You’re the background noise in someone else’s story.”
- “You’re not a vibe — you’re the ad that ruins it.”
Conclusion: Roast with Wisdom
Roasting is an art, one that walks a thin line between hilarious and harmful. These burns are best served in roast battles, friendly banter, or when someone really deserves it.
But remember: use your roasts to entertain, not destroy. Be clever, be witty, and always be aware of the room.
